Accepting is hard.
“It is God’s privilege to conceal things, and [our] privilege to discover them.“ -Proverbs 25:2
Recently I found out that I have Leukemia. Yes, the minute I got the first abnormal blood test I started pursuing my own diagnosis by looking up everything I could possibly find about my “numbers.”
Before my first appointment with the Hematologist, I called my siblings to inform them of my cancer. My brother has the same cancer and has been treated successfully twice since his diagnosis. He and I sent several text messages back and forth as I asked him all kinds of questions about his blood tests and treatments. But my sister, Shandeen had the most encouraging thought. “I see you enveloped by God. I am not worried, I am calm.”
In fact, I am okay right now. I don’t need treatment and I am on a “Wait and Watch” plan. Once my numbers double within a twelve-month period I will need treatment. But I am enveloped by God, so I am less worried about it than I was at first!
The remarkable thing I learned at the Hematologist is that, I had a blood test in 2014 that showed I had Leukemia. This, I did not know! The crazy thing about this is that my son died in 2014.
I was torn apart by his death, as I’m sure every mother might understand, but I was off the rails torn apart. Thanks to God that this blood test was kept covered, behind the scenes that my doctor couldn’t see. God protected my heart. My blood count stayed under the veil until God chose to disclose it to me.
Now I look at this revelation with clear eyes. If God hadn’t shielded me from this cancer knowledge before now, I would have simply been overloaded in 2014.
“And God is faithful: He will not let you be tried beyond what you are able to bear…” 1 Corinthians 10:13
I am more stable now. Not that I am unworried about the cancer, but God has chosen for me to stay in the “no treatment zone”. Praise Him! God was protecting me from a worse situation. At the time, I wouldn’t have believed that there would be anything worse than Tyler’s death-but God knew different. He knew that having a cancer diagnosis at the same time as my son’s death would have been worse. I’m afraid to think of what might have happened had I known back then that I had Leukemia.
“I still have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.
So when I think I want to solve it all right now- when I feel that I can’t wait for an answer from God- I try to remember that I don’t know what is going on under the veil. `I don’t know what pieces of my life are being moved into place, or what is being rearranged. Whose steps are being lined up with mine in order to be at the exact place and time that God my Father has chosen? God is working for my good right now!
I saw a cool thing on Pinterest (you know you love Pinterest, too!) I am not sure who is the Author:
“God is working for you tonight.
Heaven is holding conversations about you.
Angels have been assigned to you.
Be at Peace.” -Daystar
One of my favorite passages has always been Psalm 91:11-12.
“For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways.
They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.” -Psalm 91:11-12
I also like the way it is written in the VOICE:
“He will command His heavenly messengers to guard you,
to keep you safe in every way.
They will hold you up in their hands so that you will not crash, or fall, or even graze your foot on a stone.”
DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) skills, when applied, can help when the emotion is escalating from the problem or thought, and some these skills may stop the emotion before it causes suffering. In my case, suffering starts when I am incapable of thinking of anything but the terrible things that are going to happen to me. I can be consumed within myself and my mind a prison of “what ifs”.
And my family suffers too because I am unaware of what they are feeling as I am all consumed within myself. But I don’t have to go through this alone! Isaiah 58:11 tells us the Lord will guide us continually. He will guide me as I walk through the Worry Decision Tree (See previous post explaining the tree) giving me wisdom and truth. He will change my destructive emotions when I decide to choose a distraction instead of grief, anger, fear.
The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever flowing spring.
I can’t stress enough that He promises to guide us continually. Ask for Him to be your Wise Mind and be like a lush garden rather than a dry tree stripped from leaves and choked by vines.