Evangelist

I look at the page I’ve written today entitled “Sorrow,” and I think- no, not another entry about my problems, people don’t want to be brought down by me. Sometimes as I write this book, I think I’m sharing too much of my sorrow, my grief.

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I look at the blank page every day and write what is in my heart. Lately, I feel like I’m writing too much about being sad and lonely for my departed son. Sometimes I feel preachy, like I’m telling my readers about how to deal with grief when I can’t even figure it out myself.

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Talking about my sadness has been therapeutic for me. But do others really want to keep hearing about it?

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I started out writing this for myself, to help me use the DBT skills I was learning to get me through. To connect the skills to God. It was my sister who told me to blog it- “It might help other people.”.
I had never blogged, so I checked out “How to Blog a Book” from the library, and then I bought the book, and then I started blogging.

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Then my daughter shared my blog with a couple people who lost children and they read it. My sister shared my blog on Facebook and I connected with a childhood friend. Soon I was getting “likes” from people I don’t know. I wish I could say I have a thousand readers, but I don’t.

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Every morning I think about what I’m going to write and wonder if there’s nothing left to say. I read my devotionals, I pray and then God presses something on my heart.

Sometimes I begin writing something and totally switch to another topic that I end up publishing, leaving those half-written pages for another day. Some days I don’t write at all- that’s the depression. And somedays I end up writing something that impresses me. That’s God.

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The thing I need you to know is that God is good. That’s really the subject I try to get across every day, and I use my sadness, my skills in DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) and the Bible to try to get that known. I feel Jesus shaping my heart. I feel Jesus leading me toward something and I can’t wait to find out what the something is. Jesus gets me through each day.

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One time for a job, I took a multitude of tests, including a personality test. One of the characteristics that came up was “Evangelist.” Now I know that in the scope of work that means that I have the ability to influence people through speaking or writing, basically a sales person, but that stuck with me through the years, that word “Evangelist.”

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I believe now that God intended me to see that word and kept it in my heart all these years. He wanted me to see the true sense of the word- “a person who seeks to convert others to the Christian faith, especially by public preaching.” So, okay, sometimes I’m preachy- that’s what God intends for me. It’s okay if I’m preachy for God, right?

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Today I read two devotions and both of them talked about sharing your faith. The Faith Step in one of the devotions was “Keep your eyes open today to see who Jesus can touch through you. Be willing to be right there when He wants to use you.”

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Since I am basically a recluse, I think God intends for me to write about my faith.
The other devotion had a verse from a letter to Philemon from Paul when he was in prison that fell on my heart, “he would tell everyone so they will know for certain all the good that comes to those who put their trust in the Anointed One.” Philemon 1:6

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So as I write about my worry, grief and sorrow, know that I am doing it simply to share the work God is doing in my heart. I pray you don’t get tired of hearing it, that as my devotionals have done for me, maybe what I write is worth sharing, that God’s love is worth sharing.

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