Jesus knows how I feel. Psalm 62:8 tells me to pour out my heart to God, He is my refuge. There are some bad days- and there are some good days. But if I learn to pour my heart out to Him regardless of it being a bad day or a good day, He gets to see me. The Real Me. The Me I don’t want anyone else to see, and the Me who bestows thankfulness to Him for the good days.

“Everything happens for a reason,” is something I say to myself as a buffer, but even now, I do not know the reason that my son died so young. I feel like even to say that “everything happens for a reason” puts a callous tone to my grief. It’s like saying, “Oh well, it was meant to be!” My Wise Mind who, I often personify as Jesus, tells me it was meant to be. Do any of us know the exact moment that God will call us home to him?

Won’t there always be things left to finish since we might be caught off guard by death?
I judge myself for looking at what happened to me when he died, rather than looking at what happened to him when he died. Tyler is in Heaven because God wanted him to be, at the exact time that he went. But I am stuck in a place where I am looking at the effects of his death, the depression, the sorrow and the general falling apart of my life. And the chance to speak to him one more time is gone.

This is my “Me, Me, Me” mode and it is selfish. I want to trust God. I want to get all of my emotions out through prayer with Him. I know He shares my pain and I do feel this burden getting lighter as I continue to trust in Him.

I cannot possibly know why my son died- I will never know the reason, but I think it has more to do with him and his time to go home to the Lord, than it has to do with me and my suffering. I should be happy for him, because he is with Jesus.

I am going to focus on acceptance and trust in God. I am going to stop being willful by focusing on why Tyler died and start being willing to accept this great gift I have received of a closeness to God that was a result of it.

“Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us.” Psalm 62:8

I collaborate with Jesus in my radical acceptance of my son’s death. He tells me truths through His word. I believe Him. In my collaboration, we walk this path together. I am not alone. He feels my sorrow and He knows my innermost thoughts.

I know that if I collaborate with Jesus during my worries and sadness, He will not only give me respite, but He will also give me strength. And instead of worrying, I will begin to feel the excitement of what God has in store for me today and every day.

“And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you may also be where I am.” John 14:3

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