Reactivating my Life

Ever since I can remember I have been anxious. I remember being a little girl and making my sisters walk up flights of stairs at my dad’s office because I didn’t want to get in the elevator. I was fearful. In schools I would become frightened about a subject and have my mother come and pick me up.

.
These days my anxiety manifests itself in a different way. I am fidgety, constantly moving my feet and hands. I’m anxious about those blocks of time when I am nothing to do, worrying that the depression will sink in. Almost every day I have little interest in life and this has gone on for weeks. That’s depression.

.

It’s trying to fend off the depression that causes the most anxiety, I’ve lost a lot of weight (not so sad about that!) and I feel worthless. I know that my major depressive disorder began with the loss of my son, but as I stated earlier, I’ve always had some form of it especially the anxiety. The grief just compounded, and I began to feel overwhelmed with no ability to ease it. I began to withdraw from being with others. “They don’t understand my grief anyway,” I told myself.

.

So I am working on “reactivating my life” through a self-help workbook and the help of my doctors.

.

I read that depressed people suffer from anhedonia, which means that activities that used to be fun are no longer fun. In this instance practice at doing fun things can bring back enjoyment of them, so part of my self-care therapy is to write down activities that I like to do and find ways to increase them in my life. I have made a list: Organizing things in the house, writing, baking. According to theSCDPAntidepressantSkills I’m doing, this will remind me of things that are of interest to me as well as provide rewards as my depression starts to lift.

.
I have made an agreement with myself about self-care: showering, shampooing my hair, putting on make-up, getting enough sleep, and taking my medication. Helping others by volunteering and taking the dogs for walks (they enjoy it more than I do!) This is meant to remind myself that I am competent, and it directly enhances my sense of physical well-being.

.
Because depressed people have the tendency to procrastinate more than others, I have started to engage more in activities that help out the household: Doing laundry more often, sweeping and mopping more often, running errands. By doing this I increase my sense of control and reduce tension with others.

.
Involvement with family and friends will give me a sense of connection, a chance to provide support to others and it will take me away from being alone with my depressive thoughts. So, I will start answering my phone and go to meetings with my husband. My self -imposed isolation is affecting my mood.

.
This is a lot to do in one fail swoop, so I will choose a couple activities to focus on and complete them. And when I get the urge to do one of these activities I will take the opportunity to do it and not deliberate over it, anguish over it.

.
It’s a process, to deal with depression. I wish I could follow others’ advice and just get over it. (That is usually said by people who don’t understand depression.) It’s a process I choose to follow with God by my side. God knows me. I can look to Him and thank Him for the transformation He is making in me. Even the small victories are shared with God. The fact that I am writing is a victory. Each small step is to be celebrated with God.

.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

.
Little by little I’m cleaning out those stones in my heart as I reactivate my life

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s