Evangelist

I look at the page I’ve written today entitled “Sorrow,” and I think- no, not another entry about my problems, people don’t want to be brought down by me. Sometimes as I write this book, I think I’m sharing too much of my sorrow, my grief.

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I look at the blank page every day and write what is in my heart. Lately, I feel like I’m writing too much about being sad and lonely for my departed son. Sometimes I feel preachy, like I’m telling my readers about how to deal with grief when I can’t even figure it out myself.

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Talking about my sadness has been therapeutic for me. But do others really want to keep hearing about it?

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I started out writing this for myself, to help me use the DBT skills I was learning to get me through. To connect the skills to God. It was my sister who told me to blog it- “It might help other people.”.
I had never blogged, so I checked out “How to Blog a Book” from the library, and then I bought the book, and then I started blogging.

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Then my daughter shared my blog with a couple people who lost children and they read it. My sister shared my blog on Facebook and I connected with a childhood friend. Soon I was getting “likes” from people I don’t know. I wish I could say I have a thousand readers, but I don’t.

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Every morning I think about what I’m going to write and wonder if there’s nothing left to say. I read my devotionals, I pray and then God presses something on my heart.

Sometimes I begin writing something and totally switch to another topic that I end up publishing, leaving those half-written pages for another day. Some days I don’t write at all- that’s the depression. And somedays I end up writing something that impresses me. That’s God.

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The thing I need you to know is that God is good. That’s really the subject I try to get across every day, and I use my sadness, my skills in DBT (Dialectic Behavior Therapy) and the Bible to try to get that known. I feel Jesus shaping my heart. I feel Jesus leading me toward something and I can’t wait to find out what the something is. Jesus gets me through each day.

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One time for a job, I took a multitude of tests, including a personality test. One of the characteristics that came up was “Evangelist.” Now I know that in the scope of work that means that I have the ability to influence people through speaking or writing, basically a sales person, but that stuck with me through the years, that word “Evangelist.”

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I believe now that God intended me to see that word and kept it in my heart all these years. He wanted me to see the true sense of the word- “a person who seeks to convert others to the Christian faith, especially by public preaching.” So, okay, sometimes I’m preachy- that’s what God intends for me. It’s okay if I’m preachy for God, right?

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Today I read two devotions and both of them talked about sharing your faith. The Faith Step in one of the devotions was “Keep your eyes open today to see who Jesus can touch through you. Be willing to be right there when He wants to use you.”

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Since I am basically a recluse, I think God intends for me to write about my faith.
The other devotion had a verse from a letter to Philemon from Paul when he was in prison that fell on my heart, “he would tell everyone so they will know for certain all the good that comes to those who put their trust in the Anointed One.” Philemon 1:6

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So as I write about my worry, grief and sorrow, know that I am doing it simply to share the work God is doing in my heart. I pray you don’t get tired of hearing it, that as my devotionals have done for me, maybe what I write is worth sharing, that God’s love is worth sharing.

Why I Write this Blogged Book

I have told you this, so you will have peace of heart and mind.  Here on Earth you will have many trials and sorrows; but cheer up for I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33 NLT

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It started with plexiglass. A sheet for a hunting stand- I guess they call it a deer stand. I imagine it was cold- it was, after all, November in Minnesota. What if he hadn’t stopped for the Plexiglass?

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I don’t hunt. I hate hunting. Lots of people do it though, especially in Minnesota- and Ohio I guess. Whenever he brought up hunting when we talked on the phone I shut him down. Unfortunately, that would be just one of the topics for which I shut him down. How could I be so judgmental?

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“I don’t want to talk about this!” I would complain. “It’s horrible killing animals!” and he would laugh and try to make a case for it. My son Tyler and I were so different from one another!

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But now, I would give anything to be talking to him about killing deer right now. I would let him go on and on about all the gruesome details. I’d listen thoughtfully as he described the deer stand and ask questions about where it was and such.

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Then when he got to the part about needing Plexiglass? That’s where I would shut it down. I would help him find another solution- (I don’t even know what the Plexiglass was for- wind blocking I suppose.) But it wouldn’t matter, whatever it was used for I would find another solution- something -anything to keep him out of Home Depot and the ditch that claimed his life.

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When people die we try to think about how we could have done things differently or said things or not said things. Oh, my word! Would I have done things differently! The road to death from birth? That’s not one a son should be taking, not before his mother takes it anyway.

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And people? Well, they were appalled when they learned that I lost my son. They want to suppress the urge to turn around and never talk to me about it again. It’s too close, too uncomfortable. If they admit it happened to someone they know, then they would have to admit that it might happen to them. Plus, honestly, there is no segue to a new topic when you say, “My son died.”

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Grief is an odd thing. It changes you. Suddenly you’re in a place that you don’t know how to navigate, the feelings are too strong, too volatile. Subtle or not-so-subtle changes take place within the fabric of your being, your make-up- maybe even your abilities. That’s what happened to me.

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It was the beginning of my downfall, Tyler’s death. When Tyler died, it was as if I entered a new classification of human. People I knew for years began to hold me at arm’s length. I have spent more time in doctors’ offices and hospitals in the past 3 years than all of my previous 58 years combined. And I have learned so much about myself, grief, death, Heaven and how to cope.

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God’s Word tells us that when we go through something terrible or challenging, that we have a responsibility to help others that might be going through the same thing.

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“Do you hear the secret counsel of God, and limit wisdom to yourself?” – Job 15:8

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Some days now I can make it. I can get through the day and be happy and accomplished. It’s just that now, my accomplishments are fewer, and smaller than the accomplishments of my previous self. Most of all, I am leaning on the Lord, who tells me that if I call on Him I will be saved. He will only give me as much as I can bear. He will be with me always, even when my foot strikes a rock in my path, he will carry me, and I only need to ask, “Jesus help me!” and He will be there.

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The secret wisdom that God has laid on my heart is that my treatment team is wise, and as I learn the intricacies of Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) I find so many similarities to the Word of God. Slowly, I began to see how my morning Bible devotions were similar to the skills I was learning in DBT, so I started to do my DBT homework with a Bible alongside my workbook. When I saw so many Christian principles play out in my homework, I felt closer to God and closer to healing. I am writing this blogged book because as I learn to deal with my hardships, I could maybe help someone else in a similar position.  If it helps you, contact me and let me know.

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“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforteth us in all our affliction, that we may be able to comfort them that are in any affliction, through the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4